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Category Archives: Love & Marriage

Is it time to marry?

Is it time to marry?

By Zaki Imtiaz

Today at lunch time, I had a small discussion with two of my friends.  We were looking for an answer to the question, “What is the right age to get married?”

We concluded that it actually depends on some factors.  The right time is when a combination of some qualities and some resources are achieved in life.  Some people achieve them in their early 20’s and some don’t seem to achieve them even in their late 30’s.

For me, the most important factors are two: Maturity and livelihood.  Both of these terms are ambiguous and require some explanation.

(1) Maturity:

I personally think maturity is not just being physically mature, or being able to grow a beard, having all the necessary hormones to get things done.  Maturity is a state of mind- a state in which you know the realities and difficulties of life, a state when you are able to differentiate between right and wrong, when you can reason things according to the actual realities and not your self-created paradigms and myths.

(2) Livelihood:

The other matter is related to your and your family’s livelihood. One needs to have an appropriate amount of income to be able to provide the five basic necessities of one’s partner.  In Islam, it is the men who are solely responsible to provide for their families.  These necessities are:

(1) food

(2) clothes

(3) shelter

(4) medicine

(5) education

If you have a room in your house, you can feed yourself and your wife with a decent meal three times a day, you can provide her enough clothes to be able to cover herself decently and some special clothes for occasions (like Eid, Ramadan, Friday, Weddings), when you can take her to the doctor when she is ill, you have all the required resources.  You don’t need anything else, technically.

Isn’t it simple enough?  Why make it complex when it is not?  Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala has made the relationship of Nikah (marriage) a means to tranquility, mercy and affection.  Allah says in the Quran:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” [Surah Ar-Rum: ayah 21]

Allah also says:

اللَّهُ لَطِيفٌ بِعِبَادِهِ يَرْزُقُ مَن يَشَاءُ ۖ وَهُوَ الْقَوِيُّ الْعَزِيزُ

“Allah is very Gracious and Kind to His slaves. He gives provisions to whom He wills. And He is the All-Strong, the All-Mighty.” [Surah Ash-Shuraa: ayah 19]

Prophetic guidelines with respect to marriage

There are two narrations worth mentioning here.  They would suffice to explain a lot of matters. 🙂

1- What to do when you want to marry?

حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدَانُ، عَنْ أَبِي حَمْزَةَ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، عَنْ عَلْقَمَةَ، قَالَ بَيْنَا أَنَا أَمْشِي، مَعَ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ فَقَالَ كُنَّا مَعَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ ‏ “‏ مَنِ اسْتَطَاعَ الْبَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ، فَإِنَّهُ أَغَضُّ لِلْبَصَرِ وَأَحْصَنُ لِلْفَرْجِ، وَمَنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصَّوْمِ، فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ وِجَاءٌ ‏”‏‏.‏

Narrated ‘Alqama:

While I was walking with `Abdullah he said, “We were in the company of the Prophet and he said, ‘He who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him refrain from looking at other women, and save his private parts from committing illegal sexual relation; and he who cannot afford to marry is advised to fast, as fasting will diminish his sexual power.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]

2- How will you know who is the right person for you?

حَدَّثَنَا زُهَيْرُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَعُبَيْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ سَعِيدٍ، قَالُوا حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى، بْنُ سَعِيدٍ عَنْ عُبَيْدِ اللَّهِ، أَخْبَرَنِي سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ “‏ تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْأَةُ لأَرْبَعٍ لِمَالِهَا وَلِحَسَبِهَا وَلِجَمَالِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ ‏”‏ ‏.

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:

“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.” [Sahih Muslim]

May Allah make ease for all the unmarried brothers and sisters in their marriage.

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The writer majors in Software Engineering and can be contacted at zakiimtiaz1@gmail.com.

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Caught between the Mother and the Wife

Caught between the Mother and the Wife

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By Zaki Imtiaz

 The best thing about getting married is partnership, isn’t it? Ask those who are happily married. A marriage may survive without money, but can’t survive without the mutual partnership. Newly married couples enjoy their lives in the most halal way. Allah has described them as Libas (garments) of each other, covering each others physically, covering each others faults and helping each other to cope up with the external damaging elements. SubhanAllah, what great wisdom there is in this analogy! [1]

 Whilst they enjoy themselves, they might not realize the change that this union has brought not just in their lives, but also in the lives of their parents and siblings. If we see it from the groom’s perspective, before marriage, he just had to take care of his family and be dutiful to his parents. After marriage, he has to take up the responsibility of his wife also, the woman who has left her comfortable home and loving parents far away, and has come to live with him, despite all of his negative and bad habits.

Every house has a pre-defined set of norms, and it takes time for a new person to settle in and get accustomed with everyone. In such situations, there may arise conflicts between the wife and the husband’s family over simple issues. They will obviously have a difference of opinion on how to handle everyday big and small affairs: be it cooking, handling the home chores, arranging and scheduling daily tasks, dealing with the the servants etc. The notoriously famous battles are the ones which take place between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. If timely firefighting is not carried out, minor tussles can erupt into major fights.

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 Stuck between a rock and a hard place is the poor man, the son and the husband, trying to restore calm in the house, and keep the two most important women in his life happy. The role of this poor man is indeed very crucial. He has to balance the rights of his wife and his mother. He has to ensure that no injustice takes place. He has to walk the tightrope. He has to be the firefighter, the juggler and the peace maker. My whole-hearted sympathies are with this man! For the benefit of this man, here are some tips and tricks that I have learned through different experiences in my own life and in the lives of others:

  •  Never say no to your parents, especially if it doesn’t harm your personal life. Allah says:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا ۖ

“And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents”. [Surah al-‘Ankaboot: 8]

  •  In case of conflict between wife and parents, listen to both sides carefully and analyze the situation. Don’t jump to conclusions. Allah says:

إِنَّمَا الْمُؤْمِنُونَ إِخْوَةٌ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَ أَخَوَيْكُمْ

“The believers are nothing else than brothers (in Islamic religion). So make reconciliation between your brothers” [Surah al-Hujurat:10]

  •  Talk to each party separately and try to clear the misunderstandings by explaining the matter, without making it seem that you are taking sides. Trust me, this works. They want someone to listen, sympathize and talk rationally.
  •  Love your wife much and unconditionally. Avoid scolding her and gently explain the importance of being good to the your family and its benefits. The Prophet (sallalahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said:

 “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Ibn Majah]

  •  Love you parents unconditionally and lower your wings of humility over them, no matter what. They are old now; bear with their quirks; their age may have left them with no other choice apart from behaving the way they want to behave. They still love and care for you. Allah says:

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

“And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small.” [Surah al-Israa: 24]

  • Make everyone understand that things shouldn’t be based on the way they are carried out, rather they should be based on results. Make them sit together and decide the outputs of things which are causing friction. As long as everyone agrees upon the output, they do not have to fight on how things get done. Focus on the destination, rather than the route taken. [This principle taken from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey works wonders.]
  •  Be emotionally strong; be the man. Forgive them and hold no grudges.

وَإِن تَعْفُوا وَتَصْفَحُوا وَتَغْفِرُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

“But if you pardon (them) and overlook, and forgive (their faults), then verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Surah at-Taghabun :14]

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May Allah make our homes among the gardens of Paradise.  May He make us the coolness of our parents’ eyes, and make our wives and children the coolness of our eyes.

[1] See Tafsir Ibn e Kathir 2:187 for details

So you think Islamic weddings are boring?!

So you think Islamic weddings are boring?!

Amazing ideas brought to you by the Youth Club Street Dawah Team

There is an outdated cliche with regards to practicing God fearing brothers and sisters that because they are so ‘boring’, then obviously their weddings will be drab too!

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People would complain:

Where is the pumping loud Bhangra music?!

Bhangra and Dhol apparently being the ultimate expression of human bliss!

Where are the funky dance moves?!

Where is the intermingling?!

I mean, don’t we dress to impress?  Didn’t we buy the latest designer Versace suit or the latest Sobia Nazir lehanga to get noticed by the opposing gender?!

Marriage between two people is indeed an occasion of great celebration.  Islam, in its this beauty and perfection, guides us how to express this happiness within limits- like everything else in life!

If the feeling of joy and ecstasy is not checked, things can quickly get out of control.  It can manifest itself in outrageous parties where morality is thrown out of the window and extravagance is practiced on an unbelievingly extravagant scale!

To get things straight, there is no concept of dance and music (in the name of Mehndi, Mayun etc.) before the sacred rites of matrimony.  There’s no baraat in Islam, just an elegant Nikah (at the masjid, if you prefer) attended by both men and women in separate quarters.  The bride’s ‘rukhsati‘ can take place from there and there is no baraat reception afterwards.  Ah! The beautiful simplicity and refreshing convenience of Islam.  It is only the people who have shackled themselves to the yokes of tradition and culture who find this strange and awkward.

Then comes the Walima function on which everyone can enjoy the Halal fun.  Yes, Halal fun.  No sir, that is not an oxymoron.  These two go together quite well.  We need to provide halal alternatives to the usual haram stuff that goes on at weddings.

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Here we’ve compiled some ideas that we’ve witnessed at different Walimas in Pakistan and UK, and being the innovative and creative souls that we are, we’ve added our own ideas too (Hopefully, this should help you to beat the Indian/Hindu influence on Muslim weddings):

1- You can invite  brothers to display their vocal skills by reciting the Quran; Have a ‘Quran recital night’ .

2- Somebody with an amazing voice can perform Islamic nasheeds.  You could even make the venue all colourful and comfortable, use big floor cushions, dim the lights, create an awesome ambience!

3-Instead of blaring out trashy music sung by idol-worshipping people with shallow lyrics, put on a beautiful soothing Arabic nasheed or even an English one.  Perhaps even have a designated DJ who could mix  and match!  There are actually a plethora of nasheeds available for us to choose from.  Or don’t play anything at all; just let the people actually talk to each other!

4- Have a cool dress code for the guests.

5- Share light hearted, interesting personal anecdotes of Dawah.  This creates a  jovial atmosphere.

6- And why does the food have to be almost the same at every Pakistani wedding?  Why not explore the vast Muslim world cuisine and what they have to offer?  Perhaps humous and falafel or a signature Malaysian dish!  The guests will surely remember your wedding by your bold attempt at trying something different.

7- A brother actually held a quiz at his walima. This created great laughter and was very pleasant altogether.

These are just a few ideas.  I’m sure if you think outside the box, then you can come up with your own brainwaves.

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A wedding is not an occasion to show off and display your arrogance through your clothing or your vehicles.  It is not an occasion to gloat over your power or wealth.  Instead of trying our utmost to impress people or to live up to their expectations; we should be concerned about what our Lord is thinking about our conduct!

The style of weddings needs to change.  If you really want the marriage to be supremely successful, then keep it halal!  Why take away the blessings by indulging in doubtful or explicitly haram activities?   Would you expect smooth sailing on a journey that begins with displeasing the Lord?

There must be separate halls arranged for ladies and gentlemen; and female waitresses for the women.  Oh, and please keep the video people off the premises.  What kind of a Muslim bride sits on a pedestal only half dressed, decked up in all her finery with photographers falling over themselves to capture her from every angle?  And even telling her how to pose and behave like a shameless model?  And what kind of a wimpy Muslim groom is ready to tolerate this!?

This is a very small attempt at changing the traditional attitudes of how weddings should be conducted in the subcontinent. I hope other readers will pick up on this and expand on it.

I pray that the youth that are reading this show the mettle to go against the grain of traditions and be bold and trendy enough to try something unique, something approved by our Creator.

Do you accept the challenge of becoming pioneers of halal weddings?!
#QaboolHai?! 

 Let us know your ideas in the Comments section below.

Of Big Weddings And Small People

Of Big Weddings And Small People

“There are two types of gatherings: one that is surrounded by angels and one that is not.”

– From Half:Past:Midnight- What I’ve learnt so far, Saadia Humayun

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And that about sums it up when we come to weddings as we know them.  Ladies – near or far, close to you or not so much, related or a mere friend – all clamour to get you to shed that off, or put this on.  Then there are those poor, innocent, lost gents that keep sauntering between the tables, stopping here and there to chat with folks, making up for lost conversations, and instructing the waiter— wait a second, didn’t you say this was going to be a segregated wedding?

“Always the same,” said Mr. Weasley, smiling. “We can’t resist showing off when we get together…”

– From Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, J.K.Rowling

 Showing off.  The phrase doesn’t see as much use today as when we were kids, but it hasn’t been more in evidence than today.  People always remark how it is no use for you to be donning jewellery or taking pains with a certain dress if, well, ‘it is not seen and appreciated’.  In fact, one person even forced their parents that there be no purdah or partition so to speak, at their wedding.  Who shall we dress up for then, Mom!

 And really, why the need for tonnes of make-up?  So far, experience dictates that even if you go to the best of salons, you still end up just fiercely hoping it turns out well, and that little children don’t scurry for cover upon sight.  But then, who possesses the strong faculties to endure all taunts thrown their way by eminent guests?

وَالَّذِيْنَ اِذَآ اَنْفَقُوْا لَمْ يُسْرِفُوْا وَلَمْ يَـقْتُرُوْا وَكَانَ بَيْنَ ذٰلِكَ قَوَامًا

And [they are] those who, when they spend, do so not excessively or sparingly but are ever, between that, [justly] moderate. (Surah Al-Furqan: 67)

It all comes down to people then, doesn’t it?  To us all.  To you and me.  To how small our goals and how shallow our thinking is, yet how big our weddings are!  Eating in moderation and strictly keeping oneself from waste- be it food or money, lowering the gaze and hiding the ornaments, and then saying only the good stuff, are all that lack from our ceremonies today.  I wonder if the angels surround such gatherings..

يٰبَنِيْٓ اٰدَمَ خُذُوْا زِيْنَتَكُمْ عِنْدَ كُلِّ مَسْجِدٍ وَّكُلُوْا وَاشْرَبُوْا وَلَا تُسْرِفُوْا  ۚ اِنَّهٗ لَا يُحِبُّ الْمُسْرِفِيْنَ

O children of Adam, take your adornment at every masjid, and eat and drink, but be not excessive. Indeed, He likes not those who commit excess. (Surah Al-A’raaf: 31)

Looking for A Spouse: Great Expectations

Looking for A Spouse: Great Expectations

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By Fareed Ahmed

Marriage-related statuses, comments and articles usually get the maximum number of likes on social networking sites.  It seems that everyone has something to say.  People often vent their frustrations and share their experience and observations about this universal topic.

Indeed, marriage is a very vast and crucial subject; books have been written on it yet some aspects generally remain untouched.  The topic of marriage can be seen from both an element of seriousness and an element of fun.  It totally depends on the individual’s maturity and attitude towards life.  Anyways, today the aspect that I want to touch upon is the “Utopia Syndrome” with regards to marrying.

“I want to marry a righteous spouse…”, this is an oft-repeated, even cliched phrase among the practicing Muslim youth.  We keep on saying and hearing this in our circle of religious friends, but then we have our “Great Expectations”.  Religiously inclined men looking to marry are well-aware of the famous Hadith :

“A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her nobility, her beauty and her piety.  Choose the pious one, and may you be successful.” (Bukhari)

However, no matter how long and bushy a brother’s beard is or how high he wears his pants, very few of them actually compromise on beauty and age of the girl, though they might eventually compromise on wealth and nobility, and even piety.  Everyone wants to marry a Cinderella or someone who looks like a beauty queen from Hollywood.  The Hadith is forgotten, and one after the other, rejections are made under the guise of Kufw (compatibility) or negative Istikhara, while the real reason for rejection remains hidden.

Know, my brothers, that beauty fades away with time; it is character that continues to shines through.

The mentality of the majority of the sisters is no different.  They might hold graduation in Fiqh, maintain proper hijab, and claim (along with their parents): “We are looking for a righteous man.”; yet when someone from a lower-class family approaches them, righteousness takes a backseat and many more things get added up in their list.  They too know, but choose to ignore the famous Hadith:

“If a man, whose character and Deen satisfies you, asks for your daughter in marriage, you should marry them; otherwise, there’ll be corruption in the land.” (Tirmidhi)

Know, my sisters, that your spouse can’t reach your father’s level, and provide you with all the luxuries of your father’s home, at this early stage in his career.  You will surely get whatever provision Allah has destined for you.

Prophet Musa (alaihis salam) would have never have gotten married to the daughter of the pious man (Prophet Shuaib, according to traditions) who sheltered him in Madyan, if his father in-law had based his decision on material possessions.  At that time, Musa had no money or luxuries, nor had he been given Prophethood.  He was merely a modest and righteous man.  That is all he had to his credit.

I do honour the concept of Kufw (compatibility) in Islamic Fiqh, but there has to be a touch of realism and prioritization in our standards.  When we complain of delayed marriages and marriage-related sufferings, we must understand that many times the fault lie within us; our obnoxious attitude and high standards are to blame.  The truth is that materialism is rooted deeply in our minds and hearts.  Despite knowing the ahadith, the stories of the companions and righteous people, we just can’t seem to fix our minds and hearts.

The author can be contacted at fareedahmad_1@hotmail.com

Do you agree with the author’s point of view?  Have you ever noticed or experienced these Great Expectations? Let us know in the Comments below!

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Thou Shalt Lower Thy Gaze!

Thou Shalt Lower Thy Gaze!

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Lowering the gaze- yes, that is actually one of the forgotten commandments.

You mean blue eyes! Woww.” She stared dreamily into space.

I just can’t control myself when I look at him…” she swooned, gazing at the actor’s image on the novel’s cover page.

That brother and his beard was so awesome! Ah! He was… ” she giggled as she described a guy.

It’s common to hear such statements even amongst seemingly religious girls.

Humans are creatures of desire, and we must battle against these desires every single day to subdue and control them.  That’s where lies our struggle.  And that’s where lies our reward.

Take some real life situations:

Brothers, imagine yourself sitting in the midst of the busy street, waiting to complete some important tasks.  Suddenly, you see some beautiful young ladies.  You struggle to lower your gaze.  Their giggles and laughter tempt you but you try to control.  Now, you have two choices: to look around and feast your eyes, or to remain steadfast out of His fear and for the delights of Jannah.

Perhaps Allah will be pleased by your effort and will marry you to the Hoor al ‘Ayn (beautiful women in Jannah) right at that moment.  Perhaps Allah will reward you with a beautiful wife even in this world.  Perhaps Allah will make easy for you the very task you had been waiting for.  After all, He is always with you and is managing all your affairs.

Sisters, imagine lowering your gaze for this fleeting moment and then enjoying that pleasure of locking your eyes with your handsome husband.  Imagine this for both this beautiful world and the life to come in the Hereafter.  You will be his queen in Jannah if both of you enter the place together, Insha Allah.  Imagine being a queen amongst the Hoor al ‘Ayn!

You have a choice.  You always do.  And that’s what defines your present life and the life in the Hereafter.  How wisely will you choose?
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Fighting against desires is tough, but not that tough when you do it, seeking the Face of Allah Subhanau wa Ta’ala alone.  Let’s consider the case of two sisters.

As she entered the building to complete some paperwork, her sight fell on a group of brothers who were there for some work too.  She had a choice: to continue to look at them intently or to lower her gaze.  And she chose to lower her gaze out of respect, modesty, fear and humbleness for her Creator.  She did it for her purity, and for seeking the pleasure of Allah.  She was covered and by doing so, she was not oppressed but in fact, she was liberated.  She lowered her gaze and perhaps they, theirs.  She felt light.  She felt satisfied.  She felt liberated and at peace.

And the other one:

She ogled at many and fell for some and failed to fight those temptations.  Temptations upon temptations.  Evil upon evil.  And then, she finally met her husband.  She never felt true to herself.  Most importantly, she never felt true to Allah but until she repented.

As a Muslim woman, I can’t imagine myself staring at random men with desire and then getting married to another man.  I can’t imagine myself chit-chatting with many men and then talking to my husband.  In fact, I would love to lower my gaze and protect myself against lustful eyes out of His fear and then to see the blessing in the relationship with my husband.  At the same time, I can’t imagine my husband doing the same to me.  How beautiful your husband or wife would be to you – unique in their own way, without any parameters to measure the beauty with, since they would be the only one for you!  How wonderful would be the bond and how beautifully the spouses would find repose in each other!

Some people might think that this is such a trivial issue whereas we have big things to deal with in the Ummah.  I say to them: for dealing with big things, you need to work on ‘small’ things first and specifically on your seat of Imaan – the heart.  Do you really think you would be able to deal with those big issues when your heart is stinking with sins and enveloped in darkness?  Do you think Allah’s help will come to you while you are habitually disobeying Him?  It’s not about how trivial something may seem to you; it’s about racing to reach the highest level in Jannah.  Who knows by giving up this sin of yours, Allah may envelop you with mercy and raise your station in Jannah, insha Allah!

So, let your beautiful eyes be saved from committing their adultery.  Let your soul repent for the past and turn back to Allah.  Let it look forward to an amazing journey ahead with a purified gaze, insha Allah.

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You’re dying to marry, but are you ready to marry?

You’re dying to marry, but are you ready to marry?

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By Zaki Imtiaz

Do you know what is the most discussed matter among the Muslim youth these days?  At least, among those whom I know.  Yeah, you guessed it right: Marriage.  You say the word and you see these Colgate smiles on their faces.  Everybody wants to get married, don’t they?

Indeed, Nikah is an amazing blessing from Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala; it is a Halal way out for fulfilling our emotional and physical needs.  Muslims are advised in the Quran to lower their gaze, guard their chastity, and keep themselves away from all sorts of indecent acts.  The culture of Islam disciplines the society by encouraging marriage and by disapproving all relationships outside wedlock.

I have observed over the past couple of years that our educated youth are zealously reverting to these Islamic principles and values.  I’ve been teaching at a university, and whenever I interact with the youth, I find that they are motivated and ready to get married, wanting to keep themselves safe from the indecent and highly sexualized society around them.

I often advise them to take bold steps and talk to their parents about this issue and get married.  It’s better to have daal roti (a simple meal) prepared by your lovely wife in a single room apartment, which is filled with Iman (faith), instead of luxuries and unlawful relationships with nothing to claim in the hereafter.  However, these youngsters often do not have the guts to talk to their parents seriously, nor are they ready to compromise on their luxurious living and beauty standards.  The brothers continue to dream of a Hijabi Miss Universe, and the sisters continue to wait for their Prince Charming.

Most of the time, such brothers and sisters think that marriage is the solution to all their problems: their getting up late, their time mismanagement, loss of focus due to the fitnah (trials) posed by the society, untamed temper, bad relationship with parents and what not.

Let me bust this myth.  Marriage is not the solution to all your problems!  Write it down and paste it on your wall.  Marriage is not the solution, it can only facilitate some things for you.

Consider these scenarios:

“Oh Mom! Give me a break.  Don’t scold me all the time.  I’ll learn this stuff when I go to my next house.  Let me enjoy for now.” 

Remember what Allah says:

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ

“And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy” (Surah al-Israa: 24)

“Dude, I just can’t seem to wake up for Fajr these days.  When my wife will come, she’ll wake me up inshaAllah!”

Fix YOURSELF because Allah says:

فَإِذَا جَاءَتِ الصَّاخَّةُ يَوْمَ يَفِرُّ الْمَرْءُ مِنْ أَخِيهِ وَأُمِّهِ وَأَبِيهِ وَصَاحِبَتِهِ وَبَنِيهِ

“Then, when there comes the second blowing of the Trumpet, that Day shall a man flee from his brother,  and from his mother and his father,  and from his wife and his children.” (Surah ‘Abasa: 33-36)

“Dad! I gotta dine out with friends.  Please give me some more money.”

If you can’t bear your own expenses, how will you bear those of your wife, who will be solely your responsibilty?

The affairs of marriage are not joke and play.  Nor is marriage a solution to all your discipline and personality issues.  If you are not willing to change and sacrifice, then no one can help you.

Here are some pointers to these youngsters who are over-zealous to get married soon, and are obsessed with this matter:

 1- First and foremost, you need to get your faith and deeds corrected.  If you yourself don’t pray, observe proper Islamic dress code, speak truth and be just, you should then least expect to have a pious spouse.

2- Learn how to respect your parents. If you are unable to respect them before marriage, you won’t be respecting them after it as well. Remember, your spouse and children will learn from you.

3- Talk to your parents about your intention for Nikah. Don’t just tell them but show them through your actions by acting wise and not childish all the time, by dealing with them respectfully and submitting to their their lawful demands.  Show them that you’re ready to say #QaboolHai (“I do”).

4- Get yourself financially stable.  At least, you should be able to support a couple of dresses for your wife for one season, her daily requirements, a separate room and three meals/day to stay healthy.

5- Begin with the end in mind.  Write down what kind of tarbiyyah (upbringing)you want your kids to be given.  If your potential spouse himself/herself fails to live up with these values, then there is no compatibility whatsoever.

6- Get yourself disciplined.  You need to throw your dirty clothes in the basket yourself, tidy your room, straighten your bed and be responsible for your own actions.

7- Last but definitely not the least, pray to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala to help you out.  Make dua especially in the last part of the night, after the obligatory prayers and beg Allah of His forgiveness and Mercy.  For all affairs are in the Allah’s Control, and he who is given Allah’s Mercy is indeed successful.

May Allah make our spouses and children the coolness of our eyes! Ameen.

12-6-2013 6-14-27 PM

The writer is a software engineer and can be contacted at zakiimtiaz1@gmail.com

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